The Conversation Depth Index
How deep are your conversations, really?
The short answer: The Conversation Depth Index scores any important conversation from 1 to 5: we haven't had it, we've talked about it once or twice, we've talked but there's no clarity, we know what to do but haven't done it, and we acted and it changed things. Most change stalls at levels 2 and 3.
"We've already talked about this"
It's one of the most common sentences in any change. And it's usually only half true.
Picture a leadership team six months into a restructure. They discussed the new structure at an away day. Everyone agreed. It's been in every update since. Yet the same questions keep surfacing, decisions keep getting reopened, and nothing quite lands.
They have talked about it. They just haven't finished the conversation.
Most change doesn't stall because nobody talked. It stalls because people talked once, felt they'd covered it, and moved on before anything was really settled.
The Conversation Depth Index
Every important conversation sits somewhere on this scale.
| Level | What it sounds like | How to move it on |
|---|---|---|
| 1. We haven't had it | "They probably know how I feel." The topic is avoided, or only discussed in your own head. | Admit it's being avoided, and why. Take one concrete step to raise it. |
| 2. We've talked about it once or twice | "We covered that in the meeting." It came up briefly, or turned into an argument that never resolved. | Go back to it. Ask what stopped it going further, and what you could do differently. |
| 3. We've talked, but there's no real clarity | "We keep talking about this and nothing changes." The same loop, over and over. | Make proper time for it. Find the real issue underneath the one being argued about. |
| 4. We know what to do, but we haven't done it | "We agreed we'd change that." Clarity, but no action. | Name the specific steps, who owns them and by when. Agree who will hold you to it. |
| 5. We acted, and it changed things | "Since we sorted that out, it's been different." | Notice it, name it, and pick the next conversation. |
It looks simple. That's the point. Its power isn't in the model. It's in how honestly it shows where a conversation has stalled. And the conversations we avoid most are often the ones we assume we've already had.
Why we stop too soon
Depth is uncomfortable. Going deeper means saying things that feel risky. It's easier to stay polite.
We think we should have solved it by now. After two or three goes, it feels embarrassing to raise it again. So we don't.
Noise crowds it out. A busy week, a full inbox, another priority. The conversation never gets the time it needs.
Knowing isn't the same as doing. Plenty of teams reach level 4 and stay there for months. Clarity feels like progress, but nothing changes until someone acts.
How to use it
On your own: list the three conversations that matter most to the change you're in. Score each one from 1 to 5. Be honest. Then ask: what would it take to move just one of them one level deeper this week?
With your team: ask everyone to score the same conversation privately, then reveal the scores together. The gaps are where the real conversation starts. If one person says 4 and another says 2, you've just found out you're not as aligned as you thought.
Over time: once a month, take five minutes to rescore the conversations that matter. Has anything moved in the last 30 days? Set one next step for each.
You'll find the Depth Check at the end of each of the six conversations. Use it every time.
Questions people ask
How do you have difficult conversations at work?
Start by naming the gap (“I don't think we've talked about this properly”), own your part, ask an open question and listen without fixing. Then agree one next step. Most difficult conversations take more than one go, so plan to come back to it.
Why do the same conversations keep coming back?
Usually because they stalled at level 2 or 3 on the Depth Index: talked about once, or discussed with no real clarity. The issue underneath was never named, so it resurfaces.