How to embrace change: start with what you're letting go of

The problem

The new way is better. You can see it. The business case is solid.

So why are good, sensible people holding on to the old way so tightly?

Because every change asks people to give something up. Not just a process or a system. Sometimes it's a role they were proud of, a team they belonged to, or the feeling of being good at their job. Most change plans talk only about what's being gained. Nobody talks about what's being lost. So people grieve it quietly, and that grief looks like resistance.

The story

For years, my wife and I had signed up to what I call the deferred life plan. Work hard now. Build the business, the pension, the assets. Then one day, when we'd sold up or retired, we'd finally do what mattered to us.

Deciding to take our three young children sailing around the world meant letting go of that plan. And letting go of the version of me that was built around it: the one who measured progress in hours worked and targets hit.

The new life was what we wanted. But we still had to let go of the old one first. Nobody had told us that part.

Core Truths

People rarely resist change. They resist loss. Find the loss and you'll understand the resistance.

The biggest losses are often invisible. Status, competence, certainty, belonging, identity. They rarely appear in the change plan, but they're what people lie awake thinking about.

Every new beginning starts with an ending. William Bridges made this point decades ago.¹ Before people can embrace the new, they need to let go of the old. You can't skip that step, only rush it, and rushing it costs you later.

Honour the past. Don't rubbish it. The old way got you here. When a change is sold by criticising what came before, the people who built it hear that they were wrong.

People let go at different speeds. The change curve describes the same thing. Some will be ready before you finish the announcement. Others need months. Neither is wrong.

The conversation with yourself

• What am I losing in this change, even if I'm in favour of it?
• What was I proud of in the old way?
• Which loss am I pretending doesn't bother me?
• What do I want to carry forward into whatever comes next?

The conversation with your team

Allow 30 minutes. Use three columns on a wall or a shared screen.

1. Start with the past. "What has this team been proud of in the way we've worked?" Let people tell the stories. This is not wasted time.
2. Name the losses. Everyone adds to the first column, privately on sticky notes if trust is low. Include the invisible ones: "being the expert", "knowing who to call".
3. Name what stays. Fill the middle column. It is almost always longer than people expect.
4. Only then, the gains. Now the future has somewhere to land.
5. Mark the ending. Agree one simple way to close the old chapter: a last team lunch on the old site, a thank you to the people who built the old system, a final retrospective. Endings that are marked are easier to move on from.

Not leading the change? If you're on the receiving end of the change, name your own losses, even if only to yourself. It's much easier to move towards something new once you've admitted what you're leaving behind.

Depth Check

1. We haven't talked about what we're losing.
2. It's come up once or twice, usually as complaints.
3. We've talked, but the losses are still unspoken or dismissed.
4. We've named the losses, but haven't marked the ending.
5. We've named them, honoured them, and people are ready to move.

What would it take to move one level deeper this week?

Your commitment

The loss I'll acknowledge out loud this week is:

Questions people ask

Why is change so hard to embrace?

Because every change asks people to give something up: a role they were proud of, a team, certainty, or the feeling of being good at their job. Those losses are rarely acknowledged, so people hold on to the old way.

How do you embrace change at work?

Start by naming what you're losing, even if you support the change. Honour what the old way achieved. Notice what's staying the same. Then look at what you're gaining. It's much easier to move towards something new once you've admitted what you're leaving behind.